Dreams – the waking kind – are a peculiar type of torture method. Usually the ones we’re truly caught up in require us to exercise our more practical side if they are to become reality. They aren’t so glamorous once we see them below the clouds. Kind of scary to consider how strong our dreams and passions can be – and how very confusing.
They push and they pull. They work with and against each other. They lure us this way and that. Then, as soon as we’re sure we’ve caught the one we want to pursue, it slips back into its own realm; airy, immaterial, difficult to grasp. Hard to see. Near-impossible to defend our prior convictions for.
How to run after the dream that keeps shapeshifting?
Am I a/an…teacher? writer? artist? photographer? production mouse? cook? driver? librarian? editor? poet? musician? success?
If 2009 is supposed to be a year of discipline and joy, I’m going to have to add more fuel to my fire. I’m not too worried that things have grown stagnant with this blog for a few months – I won’t stress about things over which I have no control.
After a term of classes, I’ve grown less sure about becoming a teacher – and so I’m taking next term completely off. This means you may see more of me. 🙂 I could continue to push forward and finish my generals, but don’t see the point until I know where I’m headed, or what I even enjoy. Yes, it has gotten that bad – I don’t even know what I like to do anymore.
Anyone who reads my blog, I appreciate it so much. And I hope you will wait out the storm and bear with me until I find my voice again. Eventually, I will write something interesting again – maybe sooner than I think. 🙂
I’m sitting at work today, and thinking of all of my classmates from high school. Classmates who live in faraway places, classmates who have jobs that seem so … superior … to my own. I know it isn’t right to compare any person’s life to your own…after all, it is YOUR life! But I can’t help thinking that I would be more satisfied with my life if I had taken more chances during the past few years.
Recently I’ve thought more and more about what is “okay” for my life. I had a goal when I moved to Omaha: I wouldn’t stay longer than five years. Well, now that Scott and I have bought a house here, it seems logical that I would have reconsidered that awhile ago – but, no. It just hit me suddenly again – I didn’t want to be here this long; what am I still doing here? At one point in my life, I realized that it didn’t matter so much where you were, as long as you were happy with your life there. I still feel this to be true. Maybe I’m just antsy and anxious for change (well, duh…I am über excited about teaching!). I still feel like I’m too young to be starting my fifth year at my job, too young to be paying for my own house, too young to feel, bottom-line, this unhappy. Just a self-reflection, I guess.