2010 has been the best year yet!

With spending New Year’s Eve in Texas, I should have known that would be the case. I mean, I started the year in temps 50 degrees warmer than back home; I started the year in a state I’d never been to before; I started the year with kick-ass people. It had to lead to something good.

I feel like I’m finally on-track with a FEW things in my life. School has been steered in the direction of entrepreneurship, so I can get Easy As Pie going full steam ahead! The dogs are finally getting along. My new car is much more reliable than the old one. Need stronger friendships/relationships in general, more time to play guitar, and I will be SET.

And…now…even more exciting than seeing the Alamo and the Riverwalk in San Antonio…WE’RE GOING TO TAHITI! I am so psyched about it. We’re going to have over-water bungalow with a glass floor to see the ocean beneath. I cannot wait to go, but really need to kick it in the butt to wear a two-piece. I only have a month!

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One last look before I tear…

It’s all the same.
It’s always the same.

The grief inside becomes an ache as I
Pull on my face for you, as I
Breathe in this same stale air.
Our lungs are just drenched in it.

All the same,
Oh so dull.

The fed-up feeling
That tugs at my core.
Screaming for fresh blood, new scenery,
A fleeting landscape as we sail across miles. Away.

It all stays the same, but
This tears and it wretches
Gashing new holes, struggling to depart.

Every day a series of disappointing
Unstimulating decay.
So secure. So safe.
But does safety breed satisfaction?

It can’t stay the same.
I rip it apart myself.

And the trail of destruction is the most obscenely,
Deliciously different thing I have ever torn from within.

http://www.latentsmile.wordpress.com

You Can Be Happy…

No Matter What

That’s the title of the book sitting next to me on my bed. It was a Christmas gift from my mom two years ago. I’ve never been a big fan of self-help/support, optimism-type books, but since I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and a bit down lately I’m going to give it a fair shot. She did recommend it, and mother always knows best.

Plus, having a book sitting on your shelf for two years unread is just a CRIME! 150 pages…I’ll knock it out in the next day or so. Review and opinions to follow.

UPDATE: Book has not been read as of 02-03-2010. Like so many other things I begin, this ‘project’ has been overwhelmed by the other various activities in my life. If I don’t have it read before Tahiti, I’m taking it with me and reading it on the flight…with about 10 other books. πŸ˜›

Dream a Dream, Make it Good

Dreams – the waking kind – are a peculiar type of torture method. Usually the ones we’re truly caught up in require us to exercise our more practical side if they are to become reality. They aren’t so glamorous once we see them below the clouds. Kind of scary to consider how strong our dreams and passions can be – and how very confusing.

They push and they pull. They work with and against each other. They lure us this way and that. Then, as soon as we’re sure we’ve caught the one we want to pursue, it slips back into its own realm; airy, immaterial, difficult to grasp. Hard to see. Near-impossible to defend our prior convictions for.

How to run after the dream that keeps shapeshifting?

Am I a/an…teacher? writer? artist? photographer? production mouse? cook? driver? librarian? editor? poet? musician? success?

Dealing with the Shoeboxes

…My thumb drives have simply become digital shoeboxes, full of art files and photos. They sit dormant until I bring them up on my computer screen, at which point they cry out to me, “Don’t forget about us! We’re so awesome!”

But honestly, there are some really good pictures. There’s a lot of potential on these drives. Harking back to January 4, when we got the foosball table from my mother which we STILL haven’t used…I remember that deep down, my favorite photos are always the ones getting their blur on…The Forgotten Foos Player

5-5-09 Just a Note

If 2009 is supposed to be a year of discipline and joy, I’m going to have to add more fuel to my fire. I’m not too worried that things have grown stagnant with this blog for a few months – I won’t stress about things over which I have no control.

After a term of classes, I’ve grown less sure about becoming a teacher – and so I’m taking next term completely off. This means you may see more of me. πŸ™‚ I could continue to push forward and finish my generals, but don’t see the point until I know where I’m headed, or what I even enjoy. Yes, it has gotten that bad – I don’t even know what I like to do anymore.

Anyone who reads my blog, I appreciate it so much. And I hope you will wait out the storm and bear with me until I find my voice again. Eventually, I will write something interesting again – maybe sooner than I think. πŸ™‚

An item you’ve been watching has been relisted…

I’m sitting at work today, and thinking of all of my classmates from high school. Classmates who live in faraway places, classmates who have jobs that seem so … superior … to my own. I know it isn’t right to compare any person’s life to your own…after all, it is YOUR life! But I can’t help thinking that I would be more satisfied with my life if I had taken more chances during the past few years.

Recently I’ve thought more and more about what is “okay” for my life. I had a goal when I moved to Omaha: I wouldn’t stay longer than five years. Well, now that Scott and I have bought a house here, it seems logical that I would have reconsidered that awhile ago – but, no. It just hit me suddenly again – I didn’t want to be here this long; what am I still doing here? At one point in my life, I realized that it didn’t matter so much where you were, as long as you were happy with your life there. I still feel this to be true. Maybe I’m just antsy and anxious for change (well, duh…I am ΓΌber excited about teaching!). I still feel like I’m too young to be starting my fifth year at my job, too young to be paying for my own house, too young to feel, bottom-line, this unhappy. Just a self-reflection, I guess.

Holes in the Net

Have you ever been bombarded by ideas, bombarded so heavily that you can’t focus on any one of them? You grasp for them – you try to take a snapshot of every one that’s great and worth fulfilling in your eyes. You break out the butterfly net and chase them. Your net comes up empty, because ideas like these are always so fleeting and fluid. Maybe you finally just let the dizzy take over and you collapse, letting it all wash over you, feeling helpless in its sway.

I am trying to cope with an overabundance of good intentions. And those intentions? Purely selfish, every one. To keep up blogging – because it promotes the writer and artist in me. To finish the first piece of art for our house. To finish something – just one thing out of everything I’ve started. There is so much of it, and I just can’t focus. I’m trying to conscientiously be a better person in a lot of different ways. Every one of them seems to be failing at this point. But if I try to focus on any one thing, my mind wanders to another.

It’s out of my hands now…

Welcome! Today is the day I started handing out URLs for people who are interested in this blog. There is still a lot of stuff I’ve written and made that I was trying to get ready before I launched this bad boy, but I want to get things rolling. If it’s important enough, I’ll catch up later. Otherwise, I’ll just live with those files unpublished.

Tonight I worked on an illustration. The result of hours of pixel pushing is shown in the banner above. I’m going to post the final piece here anyway, in case I change the banner. πŸ˜› And no, I’m probably not REALLY an angel. I was just playing around with the picture and this is what came through.

Let me know what you think!

Don't let me play around on a computer for too long...
Don't let me play around on a computer for too long...

2009 – The Year of Joy

Joy – something I haven’t experienced in a long time. I know a lot of people say this, but I haven’t been truly happy in such a long time. I take things too seriously almost all of the time, and I think it has a lot to do with not taking time out for me. Instead of just shrugging things off, I can’t get my mind off of them. I let it bring me down. I’m not a very positive person to my co-workers or even friends sometimes.

I’d like to try to have a smile on my face as often as I can, and hopefully become a more pleasant person. The discipline ties into this more than would appear. Despite the word discipline’s reputation, it is going to help me be more joyful. The discipline is in not worrying and keeping my mind off of the trivial things in life – so I can focus on the fun stuff!